Becoming Approachable

Whether it’s your role as a parent, spouse, co-worker or supervisor, being approachable is one of the most valuable aspects of maintaining open communication and healthy relationships with those around you.  Even though we may think of ourselves as approachable, it pays to do a fearless self-assessment to help ensure that the way we see ourselves matches what others see in us.

There may be a personal or professional relationship where you often feel an underlying tension.  When we feel tension in a relationship with another person, it predisposes us to approach them with a defensiveness that often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Others can usually sense when we are tense, uneasy or on-edge; even if it is only an impression or a gut reaction they have.  Without even realizing it, they may respond to this perceived tension with defensiveness of their own.  Developing a greater awareness of the way our negative tone, tense body language or a curt tone of voice continues this unhealthy cycle, it will just continue to escalate over time.

Much of getting a positive response from those around us comes from our own mindset as we approach them.  Even before we see the person, we are prone to make assumptions regarding them based on past experience combined with our own moods, stresses and biases.

For example, when you are about to see someone you enjoy, think of the way your body posture relaxes and your face brightens even before you see the person.  We unconsciously tend to do just the opposite when we are about to talk with someone with who we have a strained relationship.  As we become more aware of those tendencies in ourselves, we can make adjustments in advance that help create a more welcoming environment. 

Here are some other ideas to help make yourself more approachable:

Be accessible – Quality time only happens when there is an adequate quantity of time.  Be interested in them as a person. 

Be interested…genuinely interested.  Inquire about more than just the points relevant to you; find out what’s going on with them personally and remember the details that are important to the other person.  Are they worried about a sick child or parent?  Remember to show genuine concern and follow up later on to see how things are going.

This is a trait you can teach yourself.  It may feel forced at first, but you can truly develop a greater interest in others if you make it a priority.  Others typically respond more positively when they see that you care about them as individuals, not just in what they can do for you.

Maintain a welcoming vibe.  Work on improving your initial response when interrupted with something unexpected.  It is easy to visibly show frustration in our words or body language when we have to deal with the unexpected.  Without a mindful effort to be gracious under stress, those around us will be reluctant to bring us bad news, seek our advice when under duress or trust us to be interested when they are struggling. 

Create a safe environment, physically and emotionally.  This means exercising the emotional maturity to filter out our own thoughts and emotions that might shut down the other person.  This is especially true of parents.  Since your child has little recourse when you treat them rudely, it is tempting to give them an unfiltered response when we feel frustrated that leaves them feeling belittled or full of self-doubt.  A pattern of feeling shut-down typically results in a tense or distanced relationship with your child, and, maybe, even an estranged relationship once they are grown.

Respect personal space.  Your use of space has a huge impact on enhancing a sense of safety and empathy.  When we stand too close or tower over another person, they tend to feel dominated and may even be resistant.  Generally, people do not communicate openly when they feel threatened by our violation of their space.  Practices that help enhance your approachability include being on an equal level, such as sitting, standing or kneeling (e.g., for a small child).  Also take into consideration any height difference between you and the other person and allow extra space to accommodate a wide difference.  Be mindful of touching and utilize this only in very familiar relationships where it is not likely to be misinterpreted.   

Respect boundaries.  Be aware of any tendency to impose yourself on others when they approach you.  Try to avoid interrupting, jumping to conclusions or telling them what to do, if they have not asked your opinion.  Often, others just want someone to listen without trying to solve their problem for them.  Pay attention in a non-judgmental way and ask how you can help without making any quick assumptions.

Practice empathy.  This involves listening to what the other person’s concern is and trying to picture what they experiencing by putting yourself fin their place.  Being emotionally present with another person, even someone we love, does not come easily.  It takes an extra dose of time, energy and patience to put ourselves in another’s place.  When we give in to giving advice without expressing empathy, others may feel unheard and frustrated, even though your advice may have value, they are not fully able to receive it.

For a time, others will continue to respond to the way they expect us to be based on the past.  Changing their expectations takes time as we prove that we are consistently patient, empathetic and engaging in ways that recognize their value and their individual needs.  Be patient and consistent and prove that, if they let down their guard, you can be trusted to make them feel safe and accepted.

Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama.